In March of 2000, I reached a pivotal moment in my walk with Jesus.
I make it sound as if we had a long history! I had only been a Christian for 14 short months. Jesus, however, had a long history with me. Almost two thousand years before I was born, He saw my sin, my shame, and my struggles and set a rescue plan in motion that would change everything.
Despite surrendering to His call of salvation in January of 1999, some things took a lot longer to work their way out of my life. My identity was firmly set in that of a lesbian-identified bisexual – what did the gospel have to offer someone like me?
In the fall of that first year following Jesus, I met a young woman I call Annie. Annie had been raised in a Christian home but due to a horrific tragedy, she and her family members walked away from God. Well, I was positive I could help Annie to find Jesus again!!
As you can imagine, this did not end well.
I had no reason to think there would be any issues in our friendship because Annie did not have a history of same-sex attraction. But she was needy and so was I. Our mutual neediness led to a physical attraction which eventually turned into a sexual relationship.
I feel stuck. Overwhelmed. In love. Desperate – for Annie AND for God. I had built so much of my life and my identity around being gay. Could Jesus really be enough for me?
If I left behind everything I’d ever known, would God keep His promise to never leave me? Because almost everyone I loved, all those I clung to and felt I desperately needed – they had left me. How could I trust that God wouldn’t do what they had done? I didn’t know who to pick, which direction to go, or even how to go about deciding. But God knew. He saw my struggling heart – and He decided for me.
At the beginning of March, right before Spring Break, Annie dumped me.
A few days later, I stood at the bus stop, waiting for my ride to arrive. I remember specifically throwing my hands in the air and saying, “Fine, God! I give this all to You!” Yes, I said that out loud! Thus began my journey of walking in imperfect obedience as it pertains to my same-sex attraction and so many other things.
Go to my personal blog to read the rest of the post as well as watch the corresponding “Coffee with Brenna” to explore this more (“Coffee with Brenna” is a weekly video I create). The video contains additional details from this time in my life.
This is an excerpt from the May/June 2020 newsletter.