David’s testimony was featured in our year-end newsletter in 2024. It was edited for that newsletter. This is the complete version. David’s name was changed for confidentiality.
One would think that after traveling extensively for work for many years – to Asia, Central America and remote parts of the US – that my most intense experiences of loneliness would be encountered in these unfamiliar, distant lands. But actually, the most secluded, remote feelings of isolation have been experienced in local, Christian churches.
I became a Christian in my late twenties, 25 years ago. I was ecstatic; my life changed! I wanted to learn as much as possible about God and studied fervently, listened to online sermons. I spent so many years without knowing Him that I wanted to learn everything that I could. Everything was great except for one thing: unwanted same-sex attractions (SSA). I first noticed that I was different a couple years before puberty. I was successful for the most part in suppressing the SSA, but it reared its ugly head a couple months after becoming a Christian. I was shocked. I thought being a child of God would “cure” this? I prayed for them to go away, and yet, they still persisted. There was great turmoil in my heart and mind. Homosexuality is a sin! An abomination! Why did I still want this? Am I truly saved? If I cannot get rid of this sin, I won’t be able to enter the kingdom of God?
After a couple years, I realized that I needed help with this matter. But who to turn to? All that was mentioned from the pulpit at church was “it’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!” and the congregation would laugh. Everyone but this “Steve.” I was the damned, the hopeless, a modern-day leper. I was convinced it was sin, but I did not know how to overcome these feelings that I had since my early years, which were now intensifying. I already felt different from other men and was teased by some of my male Christian friends for being “sensitive” because I was sympathetic to other people’s sufferings and pain. Could I find someone at my church who would be compassionate and understanding?
I decided to go the elder who led me to the Lord and initially discipled me. I brought up the topic by asking “What does the Bible say about masturbation?” I thought it was a safe approach to try discussing this taboo subject. Did I think wrong! “Mortify the flesh! It’s so perverted!! How could you ask me this question??!!” Well, as a 31-year-old single male, I thought it was pretty obvious why I would be asking! I was absolutely horrified by his response. I already felt dirty, sexual pervert, a reprobate – ashamed due to the SSA; now that dirty feeling was confirmed by a third party. I concluded no other men in the congregation faced this because it wasn’t mentioned in the pulpit, in our prayer groups, in literature in the bookstore, nothing. It was just me. I had already felt different, and now this just confirmed it. I was the only one thinking this way.
I searched the internet, but the pro-gay search engines made sure to show the failed ex-gay Christians at the top of the results. I became discouraged and believed the lie that I was born this way; it was in my DNA. How could I marry a woman if I could not control this temptation? Having concluded these temptations were unique to me, a modern-day leper, I was at least grateful not be outcast to a physically remote village; I could dwell amongst the normal, unsullied Christians in my local church and remain in their midst as long as I hid this sin. I would struggle in secret alone.
When travelling for work for several weeks at a time, I made sure to hit the Wednesday night bible studies and Sunday services. I would inevitably ask, “I am from a pretty big city in a pretty liberal state, and they are pushing the gay stuff pretty fierce in my area. How is it here?” I would patiently wait to hear what my brothers really believed. I cried inside when I heard what was said. “Queers, abomination, perverts, fags, disgusting, filthy, pedophiles etc.” The list went on. Just once, I would have loved to have heard a brother in Christ say, “I think the sin is wrong, but that sinner is a human being, someone’s son. We need to pray for that soul just like any other and hope he gets saved.” Not in 25 years did I hear anything compassionate or caring from my brethren concerning this particular lost sinner.
Recently, I had dinner with a very close Christian friend. We’ve known each other from the very beginning of my Christian walk, and we were very close as single men and into his marriage. As time went on, I held his children as babies and rocked them to sleep, babysitting so he and his wife could go on date nights. We spent many holidays together. I was considering letting him know about my SSA. We had dinner together, and he proceeded to describe how his neighborhood is in a state of decline. City people are moving in and contaminating his sterile, suburban. He proceeded to list all the new neighbors in order of their increasing offensiveness to his once perfect paradise. They parked cars on the street, played loud music, had lots of wild kids, then he brought up the two lesbians and finally, the dreaded homosexual couple! Ick, puke, gag! Then his daughter chimed in with an offensive remark. I was stunned and more hurt by what she said than what her father had said. I held her in my arms as a baby, rocked her to sleep, babysat, took her and her sister to the park, drew pictures together, and just showed her and her parents love. All I could think was this: if I shared with them my struggle, how would it change things? Would I lose them? I was just so heartbroken. Their words hurt so much.
It’s my belief that the modern church in general has lost that New Testament love. The young Christian church being persecuted by Roman society and the Jewish community were brought together in their love for Christ and forged relationships due to the tremendous trials they went through. They had no choice but to love one another in order to survive. Today in such a wealthy society, we can choose a church that appeals to us; it’s better than Baskin Robbins that is limited to only 31 flavors!
For all these years, I thought that I was all alone in the church. In fact, it would be unfair for me to thrust this topic upon the church and ask my brethren to discuss it. Then, I realized from 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 that from the very beginnings of the church, there were believers who overcame their SSA. Other past brethren that dealt with SSA helped build the church upon our cornerstone, Jesus Christ. Those Christians had a part in His family from the very beginning.
The church today has this privilege of loving one another, edifying one another and bearing one another’s burden. I have loved my brothers and sisters in Christ as the Bible demanded. But from I have seen and heard, I am not sure I would be loved if they knew of my SSA. I need love, not stones. After reading what I shared with you, would you ask for help with this struggle from these believers?
Those of us who are overcoming SSA are living proof, an eye witness that we are not “born this way”; there is a better way: Jesus Christ. We can be reborn and do not have to continue in this sin. We can reject the gay identity and accept our identity in Christ. There are thousands of us. Yet, the world hates us, and too few non-SSA Christians have demonstrated they love us.
I want a church that obeys the Word of God but also shows the love of Christ. I had to leave a local church due to a number of comments made through the years, but by God’s grace, I am in a new church, and things are looking promising. Those Corinthian Christians with SSA existed from the first days of Christianity, and we exist right now. Whether we flourish and thrive in your church body is something only the local church can answer. I hope these words are an encouragement for you to also love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind and soul, and to love your neighbor like yourself whether or not they struggle with SSA temptations.